Philisophical Popsicle

I'm Back!

It’s been forever since I written to my Philosophical fans!  I was actually spoken to this weekend about not writing ……

Life has taken some unexpected turns and twists that I needed to focus on my thoughts for awhile. It might have been therapeutic to write in my blog but really, they were all over the place. Yes, that is the whole point of my blog to “vomit” my feelings but I was overwhelmed there for a little bit.  I started school this past August too. 

Things are good; better actually.  My attitude towards my present situation is becoming a positive thing for me.  I have more good days then bad and I am really starting to figure out who I am and what makes me tick.  I am not 100% sure who I am but I am about 25% sure and that number increases each and everyday. 

I have anxiety and anxiety used to keep me from making decisions because of fear. Well, my worst nightmare came true when my husband decided to separate from me over a year ago.  I am dealing with the fear of the unknown head on.  I am learning that facing my fear isn’t all that bad but actually healing.  Had you asked me if this was healing six months ago, I might have smacked you but coming up on a year of being separated has done wonders.  Some days I feel differently but for the most part, I am good.  I am becoming ok with me and who I am.  Once I am ok with me 100% of the time; I can be a better friend, mom, wife and coworker.  I yearn for that day when I can be there for a friend, give my full self to my kids, be a loving and supporting wife, and be looked as a hardworking individual whom is trusted and reliable.  I don’t want to worry about things out of my control anymore. I want to focus that energy I put into the unknown into the things I can control.

My kids are doing GREAT!  Growing fast too.  They make me laugh constantly but also challenge me.  They are just as scared as I am in regards to our future and I see that in some of their behavior.  I just realized the other day how in tune my oldest is with my emotions.  She reacts to my facial expressions and her priority is to make me happy.  I love that about her but I am also concerned that Lexy isn’t living life to the fullest. I don’t want her so concerned with things that are out of her control but rather what makes her happy.  See the resemblance?  She is my mini me with her sensitivity but we are getting there.  She is so smart and very talented with her art.  Her art work is amazing!  It is very therapeutic for her and when she is finished, the look of Joy on her face comforts me.  Every kid should have something they find joy in doing.  She doesn’t care if you like her art work. The only thing that matters to her is if she likes it.  I wish she could take that same outlook on her artwork on life. 

Kerrigan is just as crazy as ever. She is the opposite of Lexy in that she is so in tune with herself and loves to make her self giggle.  It makes it better when you laugh along with her but really, she just loves to laugh at herself.  I am madly in love with Kerrigan anyway but just realized that her ability to make herself giggle is one of the many reasons why I love her!     

So, I am back. I am sorry to leave you all hanging…. 

Why?

It doesn’t help that my life is in limbo but then you add the feeling of being unappreciated and that is just the icing on the cake. 

I really do try to look at the better of things. I have my health, beautiful children, my new car, steady income, family and friends. I have a roof over my head, air to breathe, sidewalks to walk on and clothes on my back. I just don’t understand why I have to torture myself five days out of the seven to get what I want…. a life!

I have worked at a couple of places in my life but I haven’t found the one place that values me as a person, Hillery Allen Halliday.  I am one of how ever many are in my department.  I wish I worked at a place where people were valued. Not just with health insurance and other great benefits but with words.  Words go far these days or at least they do with me.

I am a decent person with pretty good work ethics. I worked for my father for several years and the way he appreciates his job; I want the same thing and feeling.  I want to want to get up in the morning and give my all because I know that at the end of the day, it won’t go unnoticed.  I don’t want prizes or to be held to some standard that is unrealistic.  I just want words! 

I sit for 6.5 hours a day!!!  That is a lot!! I get it, it is my choice but really, who has choices these days in the world of jobs!  We should not depend on our jobs to make us happy. I agree it is not the key to happiness. BUT when you feel miserable 40 hours a week, it is going to inevitably cross over to other aspects of your life. I start to question my capabilities of myself and start to feel dumb! It is heart breaking to not be able to leave my job at my job.  I take it with me :-(  

I thrive around kindness, encouragement, consistency and team atmosphere where everyone wants everyone else to succeed. I am lacking that where I am and if I speak up, it gets held against me.  I am scared to say I am miserable and to suggest my ideas because I am just one of 80 + people in my department. I don’t want to be the cry baby but I DO want to be happy at a place I give more of my time to then I do my own kids!! 

So, I show up… I do what I need to do. It goes unnoticed and I go home where I just keep asking why?  Why do I torture myself? 

Patience...

My mind never stops as you all know….  My face is full of zits from the stress   BUT I am happy to report, things are good.  Stress to me is breathing lately. It is so sad as I just wrote about being a Debbie Downer.  I don’t want to be that but when you have a lot going on, the little things add up. 

My daughter, Lexy, just started first grade. I am so proud of my Lexy for being brave and open to learning. She missed all of her friends and it was good to see her confidence shine through on her first day.  She was smiling with everything she had.  She has lost 6 teeth now so her mouth is full of holes and new adult teeth. 

I got a new car the same day Lex started school. I haven’t written much about the struggles of my finances but this has been a nightmare.  I leased my previous car; a 2007 Mercury Mariner.  The lease was due to end in December but I racked up a lot of miles.  I had a thousand left I could put on the vehicle and could easily do that in a month.  So, I went car searching. OMG!  Car dealerships smell bad credit or something.  I learned my lesson with the first few stops not to open up about my life story. Ok..ok.. I get it. I am a very honest person and wanted to get my financial background out there so the dealerships could look at other “special” options for me.  Nope - they didn’t give a shit.  No one called me back. I got my dad on board and he helped but he was all about researching, calling, emailing… I never worked this hard before for a car.  I shopped at this one dealership and they were good.  They did the whole sales pitch to me “Do you like this car Mrs. Halliday?”  “Can you see yourself in this car today Mrs. Halliday?”  “Let’s get this car for you today Mrs. Halliday” It was great!  I was fueled and ready to go but once I got home, the car seemed too small and not what I wanted.  The next day I called and the salesperson told me “Well Mrs.  Halliday, you totally led me on! I really thought you wanted this car and you went and changed your mind!”  I could believe it! Needless to say, I won’t ever buy a vehicle from them EVER!  I will make sure everyone knows not to shop at the Suzuki dealership in Burlington off of Shelburne Rd. 

I fell in love with a Toyota Rav4.  I am leasing this vehicle and bought extra miles. Thanks to my dad, I am all set with the car. Check off my limbo list. 

Limbo list is getting smaller thanks to my efforts.  Patience is huge with my life right now. I am thinking that is part of the lesson I need to learn.  I have never had patience. I remember my husband and me fighting because I didn’t have patience. Well, I am learning all about it. My life isn’t going to change for the better over night and without me actually doing something about it.  Ooh how I wish a Fairy God Mother would come down and grant all my wishes! Nope! 

So, yah… life is good.  I really can’t complain.  Well, at least not this particular post I can’t.

Debbie Downer....

I haven’t posted in a while.  I am feeling the effects of being in limbo kicking in.  I am very tired.  I sleep very little and my mind never stops. I spend a lot of time thinking how my life got turned flipped upside down.  That is mind numbing after awhile. It is hard when life throws you and obstacle that someone else made for you.  I realize life isn’t easy but when times do get rough, it is healthier to look at the positive side and I really try too.  I have my health, two beautiful kids, a job, a roof over my head, wonderful parents, a sister, friends and animals.  I get very hard on myself and think of all the things I could have done differently in my marriage.  Why does life have to be so hurtful sometimes?  I feel like when something like divorce comes along the party that gets the surprise needs to look at this as an opportunity to be on their own, discover their themselves and just be free.  Boy, when it actually happens to you; IMPOSSIBLE!  I just think of all the what ifs and the could ofs that it becomes an addiction to just stay in this dark deep place.  It is so hard to be happy with what I have. I have to work extra hard at being happy and accepting the decision that was made for me.  I try to embrace this time but it is such a task for me.  I know, like no one else has ever gone through something like this or already isn’t.  My situation is my own situation though.  The only person who can snap out of this little mind deadening spell is myself.   Everyone can yell at me, try to life my spirits or help me decide my next move but ultimately, it has to be mind. 

So, I’m just doing simply tasks at the moment like getting up out of bed, showering, getting lunch ready and driving to work. Once I’m at work, I have to leave all my personal stuff outside.  Once I’m at work, I need to deal and help others resolve their problems.  That is frustrating in itself; my life gets put on hold 7.5 to 8 hours a day to help others. I get out of work and my shit is still waiting for me.  I am too tired to resolve my conflicts and get discouraged.  Sucks! 

I take a deep breath and just go…….. that’s all I can do.  I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer.  It is just the way it will have to be for a little bit.  For those of you who really care about me, you will stand by me and guide me through this rough patch. I will do the same for you if you should come across a bad time in your life. 

Secrets.....

Secrets are not healthy and nor should anyone feel like they have to keep a secret.  It is debilitating which in turn becomes anger.  Consuming yourself with secrets can make others have a lack of trust for you.  Not having trust means that you can’t have a relationship with others.  You are alone and living a life of secrets.  Yuck! 

Luckily, this isn’t me.  I am pretty open. I haven’t made good choices but I really hold no secrets; secrets that no one else doesn’t already know.  Gotta love my unfiltered mouth! 

I find it funny when people say that what they do is none of anyone’s business.  When it involves another person, it becomes their business.  Whether it directly affects the person or the person is somehow connected to the secret, it doesn’t matter - you are hurting another person(s) by holding a secret.  I don’t want to be a secret to someone.  If someone loves me or cares about me, why keep secrets?  Aren’t they proud of me?  Don’t they appreciate me?

Secrets cloud the head and people aren’t able to make clear decisions. They get other people on board to build up their ego so they don’t feel bad for holding their secret.  When the secret is revealed, it brings on the anger piece. Not only are they angry with themselves but also to the person who called them out.

I am not perfect which is an amazing feeling!!  I do however, give people the benefit of the doubt more often then I should.  It’s because I love to love.  I don’t like to let things like kept secrets or anger to get in the way of a person I genuinely care about.  Is it working for me? No.  It’s not working at all. I am getting hurt and in turn; I’m feeling like a complete and total idiot for believing and trusting. I need to let go of that person until they appreciate me and understand that secrets are ugly.  

It hurts to let go… it hurts because I love to love and when I don’t get it in return, I want to love that person even more.  I feel like I can help them love me.  You can’t change someone who doesn’t want the help or wants to change. Sometimes they need to learn secrets are poison on their own so they can lose everything and have to work their way up to the top again…  Time is always the answer and I hate when others say “Time heals all wounds” It really is true. Time heals all wounds and time allows people to start fresh and to make good choices. When you make good choices, people can see that and flock to it. When you hold secrets and lie, people will see that as weakness and call you out; in front of everyone. It is a warning to others to not get hurt.  It isn’t right calling someone out to others but sometimes, it is needed.

So, to the secret holders of the world – Beware.  You are hurting others.  You are a better person than that and I have faith in you.  Believe that you can make good choices, be open and free and people will love to love you.  I can’t love you for being a secret holder anymore.  I can only love those that want to help me not hurt me.    

I love not being perfect!

I feel naked without my wedding rings.  I feel exposed of all of my horrible mistakes made along the way.  I went from having the one person that I thought accepted me to living alone and having to figure out me by myself!   How and when did I break the trust with myself?  How and when did I start asking someone else to make me happy and stop asking myself to create my own happiness? And when did wedding rings and living arrangements turn into lack of trust with others and me? 

I have relied on my husband far too long to make me happy and to solve all of my life problems when really, it was my responsibility.  When I committed my life to him, I never said “And you must make me happy”!  I never asked him to solve all of my life problems but he felt pressure as he is a pleaser.  Now, that is his own doing and I hope he works on separating what he can fix versus what he thinks he has to fix.  He saw my tears, anger, frustration, insecurities, lack of self esteem and tried to fix it all.  When all said and done, I got to shine for everyone else but never for him.  Now that he has decided to live separate from me; I am exposed. Ok… for my friends who are reading this, I am not saying he was saint but I am admitting that I was draining.  I think you would all agree with that sentence considering you are all dealing with my emotions where as before, I never uncovered them to you.  I’m exhausting right?

Anxious is my middle name.  My mind never stops going places and thinking the worst of anything and everything.  It is always the end all be all for me.  I need reassurance constantly because I feel like a failure in more ways than one. I don’t know why I like to say “I failed.”  I swear it is not for attention. I think it is a cry for something else but I don’t know what that something else is.  I need constant reassurance which is exhausting for those that are currently sticking by me.  Why though?  I haven’t failed them?  I feel like I am not valued or accepted because someone walked away from me. He didn’t talk to me and instead gave up so in turn, this wasn’t my failure to own.  So, why should I turn that around and assume everyone else will do the same?

At the end of the day, I just want to be liked but I can’t ask someone to like me if I don’t like myself. I have a lot of work ahead of myself but I think talking and writing about it is the first step.  I truly believe that I am a good person but I think where I fail, is being ok with being a good person.   I can’t make everyone happy, people aren’t going to like me and I will make mistakes.  For now, I am getting to know myself.  I am not perfect so I can cross that off the list.  I am real and honest and like to know why things are the way they are. I don’t like to give up but yet I have given up on myself.  My energy is spent on the why’s and the can’t rather then the feel goods and I can.  I’m getting there but boy, I am 31 and the clock is ticking… I hope I get myself so I can enjoy greater things in life like my girls.  They really do make things better.  Their smiles, laughter, hugs, kisses…. They really do make me smile and give me the confidence I need to be a good person. 

 So – I must carry on and figure out how to deal with myself.  Holy crap, this is really hard!  I look forward to being more independent.  I want to be available to those that need me like my kids, friends and family.  I want them to trust that I am listening and I truly care but I need them to accept, not like, who I am and be willing to commit to me.  I need to trust that I am a good person regardless of marital status, my mistakes and my past!  Once I am confident, those around me will be confident about having a relationship with me.  Easier said then done but how I feel and what I want is in black and white. I am not perfect and I am ok with that but I do want to be better. 

Voila!

So I read my horoscope today.  It reads “Being you isn’t easy, but you benefit from making it look like it is. Think of yourself as a magician. Don’t let anyone see the inner makings of the trick. Just pull it off and say, Voila!”.   Holy crap, does this read me or what!  Who ever wrote this is a Horoscope Genius! 

Lately, I have been feeling like one big lie. I can’t seem to see straight or make progress with my life struggles. Everything is in limbo which sucks!  Ugh! I am so wrapped up with how people percieve me and if I am accepted.  I am spending a lot of time trying to cover up all of my failures that I am forgetting what is really important and that is feeling good about me and showing my kids that I am strong! Everyone fails, right?  I am not the only one that has ever failed at things.

Everyone knows that when you are down, you tend to not deal with the important issues at hand (marriage, children, finances, friends)  I am scared to deal with the real issues in my life.  Who wants to deal with a possible pending divorce, your children growing up and needing you, my finances and the reprocussions of losing more then half of my income! I am scared to deal with life to be honest. 

I love that I can now view myself as a magician!  I am keeping the smiles and laughter on the outside and keeping the dark and dreary on the inside.  That isn’t a lie but rather a trick to teach myself that being happy is easier then being sad and dreary!  Once happiness becomes the norm for me, I can focus on what really matters which is being happy and feeling good about me.  Once I build my strength back up,  I can deal my struggles with life and take away a lesson or feel good about accomplishing some thing!  I can spread that joy on to my kids and enjoy their happiness!  

No one can fix me but me.  I don’t want anyone to fix me. I have skated by on this part of my life for way too long.  It is time to put the car in drive and just deal… Why not glow with happiness? It is so much easier and hassle free.  Ahhh Life. It’s not easy but it isn’t supposed to be.  I can do this though… I really can! Voila!